My biggest Fear

I've been in Mississippi for the past year working on my Masters degree. It has been a fantastic experience. I've learned a lot more than I anticipated and I am quite pleased with my performance. I am on my way to medical school, (per my acceptance), and I'm actually taking time to wind down and introspectively look at some of the things in my life. I will say, that God has blessed me and He has always provided whatever I needed. I appreciate that about Him. He knows exactly how to comfort and motivate me to be the best Man I can be. With that he also knows how to discipline me.

Two years ago, I was released from Medical School due to poor academic performance. Interesting enough, I just wrote that sentence and I didn't feel any type of hostility, regret, or shame. Many people don't do well first year of medical school and it is nothing to be ashamed of. This is easier said than done however. I can't tell you the level of embarrassment, resentfulness, or anger that I had within me. I've talked about this before in a post titled Transformers, which I wrote in 2008. It was a terrible experience, but God has His plan.

His Plan is to mold me into the Man I am supposed to be. Period. To be the Christian Man that He can use to bring others to him. Forget about the MD/MS/MPH. God needs somebody to represent him humbly and totally.

My biggest fear is this. Have I learned enough? Have I passed the test? Am I still the same person that I was 2 years ago? Am I doing the same things? Am I ready now?

Unfortunately, I must confess, I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I'm able. I don't think I deserve to go back in to medical school. I don't think I deserve to have such an awesome group of friends, or a wonderful girlfriend. I personally feel like trash most of the time cause, I've tried to do better, yet I'm like Paul.

Check out what he has to say in Roman 7.

Romans 7:14-25 (The Message)

14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

So, to be quite honest, I find myself in this same position. All my life I have basically willed anything that I wanted. Yet, with all my strength I still can't will myself to follow Christ. That's Amazing. Think about it.

#1. Christ has died for our sins. We are essentially sinless if we accept Him.
#2. In exchange for giving us Eternal Life he only asks us to Trust, Obey, and Submit to his will.
#3. Yet, as christians. We know this, We understand this and We want to Do This.
#4. But its impossible. (on our own)

Why?

The answer is this. How would heaven be, if we could really make it there on our own will. We would be one HUGE conceded group! In fact, the first minute we get into the pearly gates, we would probably set up hierarchy for those who decided to accept christ at a young age compared to being an old geezer. We would tally all the times we prayed and went to church and prayer meeting, and sabbath school. We would brag about how many people we brought into the fold.. etc. etc. etc..

Catch my drift?

We do that now. In church if you aren't a deacon, you ask yourself? WHY??!! Brother So and So ain't THAT Holy!? Or if you don't get chosen for praise team, or whatever it is. We start getting on our high horse and complaining and what not.

Simply Put, Christ made a way. He made it Easy. Death and Hell has been conquered. Praise God! Yet, at the same time He made it impossible if we trust in ourselves. We MUST trust God to carry out and mold us into who he needs us to be. We MUST submit in ALL things to be ready to represent him. We MUST OBEY his commandments.

Not for our own accord. But because there is no other way.

That's my biggest fear. Am I ready? Will I keep making the same mistakes? Have I submitted?

If my friend Nathan was alive today, I know what he would say.

Just do it Today. Don't let this day pass without Doing it....... Today.